Asking for, giving, and receiving. Each a skill in itself.
Maybe to start with just ask yourself, out of 5, what would you score yourself for each of those, with 5 being excellent and 1 being total avoidance so as to limit meltdowns.
So firstly lets consider why we even do it. I mean, if it's THAT bad why not just write it off as a bad idea and be done with it?
- It helps build and maintain relationships (work and personal)
- It can help influence a change in behaviour or performance (or keep the status quo)
- it can help with understanding other peoples perspectives (yes that is useful because 1. you are not always right, 2. it helps with influencing others if you understand their viewpoint, and 3. if it appears you care enough to understand someone elses view point then that in itself helps the relationship - even if you still don't agree)
- It can build motivation and feelings of being appreciated and valued
- It can be helpful to the bigger picture (have you missed something crucial?) as well as lead to greater self-awareness
I am not going to waste our time discussing or giving examples of bad feedback experiences as no doubt you have those already. But if you have a moment it can be worth reflecting on why specifically it was so bad... and then possibly make a note to self not to do that next time you are in that situation.
Equally whilst doing this, you may notice things that were good, or actually helpful. What were they? (add them to your list :0) )
Some things to consider:
1. Where/when/how - practical points but they matter. Imagine the work apprasial - immediately, I think in-real-life, verbal, planned, private, professional, and formal. Now imagine if that apprasial took place in public - how might that impact the giving or receiving of the same feedback? How about if it was done in the pub after a few drinks at a work social gathering? Would virtual vs real life make any difference?
2. Language - how will you communicate (whether giving or receiving)? Try and keep the language you choose positive even if it is constructive feedback. Stay objective - it is not supposed to be an attack on anyones character. Also, use future tense language rather than past tense otherwise it can sound accusatory.
3. Giving:
- keep it succinct, sincere, and specific. Keeping it short and specific not only helps them know what you are referring to, but also helps to avoid their self-protection responses to kick in which can lead to the feedback (good or bad) not to even be heard.
- focus on the solution, the goal, or the desired outcome. Rather than the focusing on past performance. Also consider appreciating the person first, so they know the feedback is coming from a good place with good intentions.
- be brave. You are showing how much you care about the person and your relationship, how much you believe in them, and how much you respect them by being honest.
- be non-judgmental. Be mindful of the distinction between the person as a human being and the work or behaviour. Focus your words on the work or actions rather than saying 'you are...' Remember the behaviour is not the person (an NLP pre-supposition).
4. Receiving:
- be grateful! Yes this may be difficult as emotions and self-protection can kick in. Try remembering that whatever they are saying is their opinion and other viewpoints are likely available. Also that they are choosing to spend their time, energy, and effort to try and communicate something to you which even if you don't agree with, could be insightful and helpful at some point.
- remain professional. Don't argue or defend - no matter whether you think it is fair or right. Feedback is their perspective and so is true to them. If staying professional and collected requires you to repeat the mantra 'it is just your opinion, it is just your opinion...' in your head whilst they are talking, do so. Also, remember most people don't feel confident giving feedback and may in fact not be an expert or as good as you (it is a skill!) so be the professional and try and listen to the message and intention behind the (sometimes badly chosen) words or tone.
- reflect afterwards on the bigger picture. Even if very clearly it is just their opinion and accepting that everyone has their own, some are obviously more important in certain contexts and scenarios (ie. the listener's opinion of whether you explained something clearly is more important than yours - as why else did you spend time trying to explain it in the first place?).
- ask questions to understand more if their meaning isnt clear to you. This can be done at the time or later on reflection but only if you are remaining professional and objective.
A tip to try when receiving feedback - if you feel your emotions kick in start making notes about what they are saying. Focusing on writing as near contemperanous as you can manage. You can safely disengage with the words meaning knowing you are recording it for later. They won't generally mind as they will think it is because you value their words. Then at the end ask if you can reflect on it and come back to them if you have any clarfying questions. Then walk away. Breathe. Do self-care. Seek comfort in a hug but try not to tell others what was said to you, as all they will be able to do is respond to your heightened emotional interpretation, and so will likely re-inforce any potential negatives making it harder to get to the positives. Then when the emotions are sufficiently subdued come back to the words. Look past the words to the intent and see what you can take from it.
Now, re-visit your initial scores out of 5... any changes?
The biggest take away is that it is a skill. You can learn how to give good feedback. And then role-model it.
